One of the most radical nondual teachings is that there is no separate self: no independent person behind experience who owns and controls life.
But what do we do with this teaching?
We try to experience it. We wait for the feeling of being completely one. We look for the experience in which the “I” disappears. We hope that one day we will finally feel that there is no separate self.
And here is the paradox: who is trying to experience non-separation?
The separate self has become the seeker trying to get rid of itself. This can keep us searching for years.
But there is another way to approach the question.
Look at separation rather than trying to get rid of it
Instead of trying to experience non-separation, look directly at the experience of being separate. Right now, is there a sense of being someone? A feeling of “I am here”? A sense that you are the one listening, experiencing or observing?
Don’t try to change it. Ask:
What is this feeling of being someone actually made of?
Perhaps there are thoughts, sensations, feelings, images or a sense of location.
Whatever you find is appearing.
The thought appears. The sensation appears. The feeling of “me” appears. You don’t have to get rid of the feeling of being a separate person. You can simply notice that the feeling itself is something that appears. The experience of separation becomes something you can look at rather than something you automatically assume yourself to be.
Now widen the inquiry.
Put everything in the basket of Now
The feeling of being the observer appears. The thought “I am noticing” appears. The desire to understand appears. Resistance appears. Frustration appears. The desire to get somewhere appears.
Put all of it in the same basket – the basket of what is appearing in this moment.
So are we there yet?
Not quite. There is still a subtler assumption to investigate: the sense that somebody is behind all of this, controlling it.
Look for the controller
We often assume that we are controlling our thoughts, emotions and choices. But look closely.
A thought appears. Did you decide what that thought would be before it appeared?
An emotion appears. Did you manufacture it?
An intention appears. Did you consciously create it before it arrived?
An action happens. Where is the separate controller apart from the action and the story about it?
You may immediately think: “But I chose that.”
Notice that thought too. The idea of a controller is itself something appearing.
There may be apparent choosing, doing and controlling. The question is whether there is a separate doer or controller behind them.
This can bring relief. You don’t have to make the sense of self disappear. You were never responsible for successfully eliminating it.
The next trap: owning the insight
Even if we see that there may be no separate controller, another subtle trap can appear.
“I understand this.”
“I’ve seen it.”
“I need to stay in this.”
“I need to practise this correctly.”
The insight itself becomes something that “I” possess.
So include this too.
“I understand” is appearing.
“I’m getting somewhere” is appearing.
“I’m not getting it” is appearing.
Even the attempt to see correctly is part of what is being seen. This is why even anti-seeking can become another form of seeking: “I shouldn’t be seeking anymore.”
The instruction has simply become another thing for the imagined self to accomplish.
So what is awakening?
At this point, you may wonder: if I put everything in the basket, what is left? It all feels like nothing. Why should I even bother with all of this if it’s not going to make me feel better?
And this can bring us face to face with yet another layer of traps – our expectations of what awakening will be like. We may have learned to expect awakening to mean permanent peace, bliss, the disappearance of personality, never being triggered, or the end of difficult thoughts and emotions.
But these expectations can turn awakening into the dream of a perfected self.
Instead, let’s consider another definition of awakening:
Awakening is recognising that whatever appears is an appearance of wholeness, even if it is an experience of loss and separation.
Thoughts, emotions, suffering, resistance and the sense of being a separate person can all arise. They don’t need to be grasped or avoided.
The person can still appear. “I” can still be used. Preferences can continue. Emotions can continue. Selfing can continue. Ordinary life continues.
What changes is the assumption that these things belong to an independent someone who must control them or get rid of them.
And when the sense of a central claimer or controller loosens, there can be relief. You may discover that you don’t have to resolve every difficulty before you are allowed to be okay. Some patterns may fade, while others may remain. You can still take them to therapy, change your circumstances or make different choices. But these actions need not come from the belief that you are fundamentally broken or that you have failed at awakening.
Shame, guilt and self-judgment can become easier to meet. They too can be seen as experiences arising, rather than evidence that something has gone wrong.
You may also begin to notice the subtle peace of your true nature shining through experience. It shines, even with all your troubles in place. This is freedom – the discovery that you do not have to get rid of your sense of separation and the suffering of the human existence in order to know the peace of your own being. They coexist. You get to peace by finding it in the midst of conflict. It is not found as an object but is revealed as you let go trying to make everything right.
But don’t make peace and lightness the goal. If you are looking for a special state of freedom, you have simply created another thing for the imagined self to achieve.
Awakening, then, isn’t necessarily freedom from difficult experience. It may be more like freedom for experience to arise without requiring it to be different.
Conclusion
So when you next hear the teaching, “There is no separate self,” what will you do?
Will you start looking for an experience of non-separation? Or could you try something simpler?
Don’t look for non-separation – Look at separation.
Notice the feeling of being someone, a little “me”, with all its struggles and desires. Then put it into the basket of Now.
Recognize that this is all appearing in the Now, for nobody and for no purpose we can ever fathom.
Nothing needs to be pushed away. Nothing needs to be achieved.
Your sense of separation can stay as long as it wants to. You’re not in control of it, anyway.
This is the relief, the homecoming we have always longed for.